


ultimately

by mitsekai



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: A lot of thinking actually, Advice, Cuddling, Daydreaming, Established Relationship, Flower Language, Fluff, I did my best, M/M, No Smut, Phone Calls, Road Trips, Song Based, Thinking, Travels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsekai/pseuds/mitsekai
Summary: [ultimately it's a beautiful thinglike flowers blooming in a lonely fieldthe petals drift through crossing windsthey find their way to river streamsthat scent the water beautifully, it takes me back to you]in which he goes for a little road trip to clear his head… and calls someone every day to get some answers about himself.based on the song “ultimately” by khai dreams
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Sapnap, Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Darryl Noveschosch & Sapnap, GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Luke | Punz & Sapnap
Comments: 24
Kudos: 209





	1. the roads that i have travelled

**Author's Note:**

> keep in mind:  
> i am not a native english speaker, so i apologize for all mistakes in advance (although i used 3 different apps to correct my grammar)  
> when i describe their appearance i'm describing their minecraft skins  
> yeah and one word from any creator about being uncomfortable and this thing poofs and disappears for the rest of eternity  
> and remember to listen to the song before you read!  
> <3

“Hold on, hold on…” he hears on the other side.

Sapnap takes a deep breath. 

“I will tell you this because you’re my friend and I don’t want you to fuck things up, okay?” Punz says helplessly, sighing again. Even though they are talking on the phone, Sapnap, in his mind, can see the blonde pinching the bridge of his nose as he speaks, “You need to chill the fuck out, dude.”

“I’m trying.”

“You’re not trying hard enough. I don’t think you realize how badly you messed up.”

“Dude, I do. I know I fucked up, just… Tell me how to fix it.”

Another sigh escapes on the other side of the phone.

“First, learn how to shut the fuck up.”

“You are not helping me right now.”

“Oh, I am.” he assures, “That’s the first step. Shut up and think about it. It sounds harsh, I know. But that’s what you should do. Just… Be quiet for some time and think about things. You think you understand, but you don’t.”

“I do!”

“Well then, why the hell did this happen, huh?”

Sapnap stays quiet.

“You know, it’s not the first time, man. You did the same shit a month ago. And two months ago. Actually, I think it happened twice three months ago too. You see a pattern here?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Listen.” he hears Punz adjusting on his chair (at least that what he assumes based on the creaking sounds) as he continues, “A friend of mine once had a beef with his family, yeah? And he just went on a road trip for like… a week. No phone, no internet. You get what I’m saying?”

“That sounds like some fat bullshit.”

“It does sound like some fat bullshit. But before he went, he had written down a few phone numbers, right? And he has called one of them every two days to talk about shit on his mind. You know, he has asked questions about himself and his actions to his friends, and they had to respond honestly, even if it meant he would hear something harsh.”

“So what you’re saying is that I should become a hippie for a week and all answers will just come to me?” Sapnap asks, cracking a smile, “That’s stupid. No way.”

“Yeah, because answers won’t just “come” to you. You actually need to think to get to them.”

“And I can’t think about them at home because....?”

“Because I know you. You will just think about it for a few minutes, decide it’s upsetting, then sit down on your ass and play CS:GO for five hours to get it off your mind.” Punz responds, “That’s not the way to go if you care. And I know you care a whole fucking lot.”

Sapnap is skeptical about this, obviously. A week without his phone, driving God knows where, sleeping in his car? And he hears it from Punz, of all people. The guy who can casually sit in his super badass red gaming chair for ten hours straight playing one game. 

“Lack of outside shit will force your little brick head to think about stuff since there is nothing better to do.” Punz adds. 

“Dude…”

“What? Am I being mean?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Good. That gets you, doesn’t it?”

Sapnap sighs again.

“I’ll think about it.” he says, running fingers through his black hair, “And I’ll ask others too.”

“Sure. But for real, hang in there. It’ll be okay.”

“Yeah… Thanks. Bye. Love you...”

“Right back at you.”

He actually asks others about it. He asks Dream, then Quackity, then Skeppy, and then Bad. And each one of them says the same goddamn thing: “Yeah, you should try it.” and “It may actually help you.” and that’s just surreal to him.

“What the hell…” Sapnap sighs, as George also texts “yeah, that’s a pretty good idea” right in his face.

The approval of Punz’s advice is definitely too big for him to ignore. He could go, sure, but maybe not for a week. Maybe just for a day or two to clear his mind and chill. Or maybe just go for a week, live through an adventure, and have something to talk about to his nieces and nephews. And if his friends think he should do it, then why not? The only thing remaining is to tell Karl about his plans and actually start packing his things. But when he actually takes his phone, he just ends up looking at the screen unconsciously for a few minutes. He’s not even sure if Karl’s going to pick up. But he has to know in case he would want to call and talk things out (knowing Karl if Sapnap didn’t pick up, he would think that his boyfriend is done with him, leading to another mental breakdown and Sapnap wouldn’t like that). He notices his finger trembling as he dials the number. The singular calling signal sends a big amount of goosebumps down his spine. One, two, three, four… He’s about to hang up.

“Hello…?” Karl’s raspy, quiet voice finds its way to his ear and stops his hand mid-air.

That’s the exact moment something tightens in Sapnap’s chest. He takes a deep breath.

“Karl… It’s me.”

“Yes, I can see that…”

Sapnap is almost one hundred percent certain Karl hasn’t slept at all. And he knows himself, or rather their fight, was the reason for it.

“I wanted to let you know that I may be… unavailable for some time.”

“What do you mean?”

Through all the layers of fatigue, sadness, and drowsiness, he can pick up a slight shade of concern. Karl gets worried easily, especially when it comes to their relationship or just Sapnap in general.

“I’m taking a break.”

Silence. It continues for a little too long, and then he hears a quiet sniffle and this sound breaks his heart. He immediately realizes what he has said and how badly it came off, feeling his face getting red. The urge to hit himself in the face is unbelievably strong as he opens his mouth again.

“Of course, I’m not breaking up with you!” he exclaims, in a desperate attempt to correct his awful wording, “It’s okay, I am not. I just have to take a little break, get away from everything and think about myself and whatever the hell I am doing to us. I’ll be out for some time.”

“Oh… I see….”

He hears a hint of relief escaping his mouth. He wishes he could see him right now, wishes he could hug him and tell him he’s sorry, but it’s still too early for this.

“How did you come up with this?” Karl asks, yawning.

“Oh, I didn’t. Punz did.”

Karl lets out something between “I see.” and “Oh” at the same time. That’s what makes Sapnap ask the next question.

“Have you slept at all?” 

“I have not slept for the past fifty hours.”

Sapnap’s eyes widen and shift to the side. It means Karl hasn’t gotten any sleep since they fought. And he knows his boyfriend too damn well to be calm about this. Before he says anything, his boyfriend continues.

“I’m going to sleep soon though, I promise. Right after you hang up”

The conversation is so dry and awkward, the next few seconds fly in silence. It seems like both of them want the other to say something. Neither of them do, neither of them know what to say. The weight of their words is still there, holding them back. Sapnap gives up with a heavy heart.

“I’ll hang up now… I’ll call you later, okay?” he says.

He hears a big amount of regret in his own voice.

“Yeah. Bye.”

He’s about to end the call, but right before he clicks the icon, he says a very quick and very shy “I love you.”, as a reminder that Karl still means the world to him in case he doubted it. Immediately after he hangs up, Sapnap throws the phone away, screen down, on the bedsheets It’s like he’s twelve years old again. And that makes him feel sick because Karl isn’t his middle school crush; he’s much more, and deserves better treatment than just a quick, half-arsed “iloveyou!”. He notices he gives Punz more affection in his platonic “I love you” than whatever that was. So why can’t he just give it to Karl? Maybe that’s the thing he should think about. He takes a deep breath one more time, murmuring to himself in an attempt to convince his own mind that it’ll be okay. He has to believe it. Then his phone is ringing and his heart skips a beat, just to start beating so fast that it feels like it’s a few seconds away from a seizure. It slows down when the text reads “DREAMYPOO” instead of “KARL”.

“Hey.” he hears.

“Hi.” 

“How’s it going?”

“You chose the perfect moment to give me a heart attack.” Sapnap answers, lying down on the bed, “I almost shat myself.”

He covers his face with his elbow, sighing, “Do you need anything?”

“No.” Dream says hesitantly, “Are you good?”

“Depends on what you’re asking about.”

“About you and your well-being, obviously.”

“Ah. Then no, I’m not. And I don’t think that Punz’s little hippie road trip is going to help.” he smiles cynically, “But I got outvoted.”

“You got outvoted in terms of your own life decisions. How does that feel?”

“Amazing, actually. Finally, a mistake I can blame someone else for.”

“Dude…” Dream’s voice sounds concerned, “Don’t say it like that.”

“And you leave your advice for my hippie week, man.” Sapnap says, “So I won’t be bored once I leave.”

“You’re actually going to do it?”

“I guess. YOLO, am I right?”

“So… Do you want an MP3 player or something?”

“You have an MP3 player?” Sapnap chuckles, “You’re such a nerd.”

“I do have one. And I’m willing to give it to you since you’re supposed to leave your phone at home. Because as far as I’m concerned, you’ll go batshit without any music.”

“Yeah, probably. But I can always listen to it through the radio, so no, I don’t want your nerdy MP3 player,” he responds. And the realization hits him, “Dude! How am I even going to call you without my phone?”

Dream is silent for a few solid seconds, like he’s waiting for something. Sapnap has no idea why.

“No way.” he hears an amused voice on the other side after a while, “There’s no way you’re serious right now.”

“What the hell do you mean? I’m genuinely asking,” he says, frowning. 

“Sapnap, phone booths exist for a reason.”

O h.

“Oh.” 

Dream’s laugh hits his ear so hard he moves away from the phone. Christ, this man is loud. Ignoring his red cheeks, Sapnap waits for Dream to shut up.

“Phone booths, yeah.” he murmurs, “Nobody uses them anymore. Jesus, man, can you shut the hell up?!”  
Dream doesn’t shut the hell up; in fact, he’s wheezing for the next three minutes, helplessly trying to stop himself from doing so. Gasping for air, being quiet for two seconds, and then hitting him with it again. Sapnap wouldn’t admit to it, but he cracks a smile at his own stupidity too. He’s not really laughing because it’s not even THAT funny. But hey, it’s Dream. His sense of humor is wild and depends on his mood.

“Okay, okay, sorry…” the tone of his voice insinuates that he’s not sorry at all, “I’m done...” another laugh he tries to muffle, “Yes, people still use them. Barely, but still. That’s why you should write the numbers down. I mean, you can also find some shitty phone to have around. In case you need to call 911 or something.”

He doesn’t really want to picture a situation where he would need to actually call 911, so he just moves on to another thing.

“Whose numbers should I write down?” Sapnap asks.

Dream’s tone changes.

“Mine.”

“Yeah, that’s obvious.”

“It’s about Karl and your relationship with him, right?”

Sapnap sighs. It’s amazing how fast Dream calmed down just to ask this question. He hums in response.

“Then you should write down Bad’s number... And Quackity’s.”

“Quackity’s?! Dude, are you insane? That would be terrible.” he exclaims.

“He’s not upset at you.”

“Bullshit.” Sapnap sits up, “Of course he is. Karl left him for me.”

“That’s not exactly how it went.”

He stops. It’s not?

“What do you mean?”

“You can ask him yourself. Write down his number.”

“No.”

“Okay, look.” Dream sighs, “In my opinion, you should write down my number, George’s and Bad’s. Write down Punz’s number too and if he doesn’t pick up your call, Quackity is your next pick.”

“You’re just going to tell Punz not to pick up from me.”

“I’m not.” ensures Dream.

“You are.”

“Promise you, I’m not going to tell Punz not to pick up.”

“Sure, whatever.”

They are both quiet for some time.

“And Karl’s number.” Dream adds.

Sapnap closes his eyes. He knows Karl’s number by heart. He never even tried to remember it, it just happened to burn into his head. Despite that, he nods and agrees with his best friend.

“I will.”

“I think this can really help you.” he hears from the other side, “I know it will. You just have to be ready to listen to us. Like actually listen.”

“Chill out, I get it. I need to listen to people, I’ve had enough of this talk before you called me. You’re the third person in a row I’m talking to.”

“What an honor.”

“Sure.”

“If you need any help. Let me know, okay?”

“I will, I will…”

“I have to go, I think Patches just pissed on my bed.

“I think you pissed your bed yourself.” he smiles lightly.

Dream laughs.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll get going now. Bye, hang in there. Love you, it’ll be fine. I’m here if you need me.”

“Love you too.”

He hangs up and Sapnap stands up to sit at his desk, taking few post-it notes and proceeds to write down every number in a particular order: Dream, George, Bad, Punz, Quackity, and Karl. He stares at it for a brief moment, then shakes his head and stands up. Tucking the notes into his wallet, he thinks to himself that there’s no way some hippie road trip is going to fix things.

Either way, a few days pass and Friday is the day when Sapnap gets into his car, throws a bag into the trunk, and checks his wallet for the fifth time. He’s nervous, of course, he is. Punz and Dream offered their help in planning his trip, but he didn’t take it. Instead, he has just taken a few tips off the internet about sleeping in the car and basic “road trip rules”, withdrew some money from his bank account, and adjusted the traffic navigation device (or however this thing was called) to be able to get back home. Doing things on his own is the way to go. He ended up taking an old phone from his dad, to make sure he won’t be able to check Twitter or anything like that but to have a phone around. And then he just rolls with it. As the birds’ chatter and everything slowly wakes up, he can, in the gentle light of the morning sun, and just for a few days, leave his life behind.

It takes him an hour to lose sight of the city and the next two to calm down about it. Sighing, he locks his eyes on the road, as the sun lazily watches him go. Sapnap hums quietly to the tune on the radio, as he relaxes in his seat. The road is straight forward, and he makes a promise to himself that he’s going right on the nearest turn, just because. At 10 AM, surroundings start to get emptier, as he passes unknown houses, driving through fields he’s never seen before. The sense of adventure kicks in a little, and he slows down a bit. The plains around are more dry and brown than green, with singular trees splattered here and there, houses hidden somewhere in the distance. Such a boring view, yet kinda interesting at the same time, compared to the big, vibrant image of the city he lives in. Just an empty field, far away from all the noise, hurry, and the crowd. Sapnap turns the volume on the radio up when he hears another familiar tune, singing to it quietly. Karl likes this song, especially when they both sing along. He always smiles so genuinely when their voices blend with the vocalist, dances around, and just looks so happy and fulfilled. And Sapnap loves those moments, with his whole heart. 

“Damn…” he murmurs to himself.

He can lose Karl if he continues to do the shit he does. And it’s not the thing he wants. Sapnap sighs and keeps driving, hoping to find a place to eat. It’s been more than three hours already, and he hasn’t eaten breakfast. The image of Karl flashes through his mind again when the song ends.


	2. ultimately it's a beautiful thing

Sapnap chews on his dry scrambled eggs and not that well-made bacon as he sits in a diner. He was desperate and hungry after four hours of driving without any food, but maybe he should’ve held on a little longer since it was the worst thing he has ever eaten. He stares at the stained tablecloth, flashing back to the song he was listening to back in the car. Karl’s mixtape sits somewhere in his car glove box. When he remembers it, he quickly finishes whatever that thing on his plate was, and rushes out. He sits in the passenger seat and opens the glove box. Karl’s CD just lays there, captioned with a simple “:D” and the date of his birthday. The mixtape of songs they used to listen to together. Sapnap hesitantly takes the CD out, looking at it for a brief moment. Time to hit the road. He sits in the driver’s seat again, starts the engine, and drives away from the diner’s parking lot. He slides the CD in.

And of course, it opens up with High School Musical.

Sapnap smiles as Zac Efron starts to sing “Start of Something New”, remembering Karl’s adorable grinning and little dances. It happens a lot. No matter if Karl is sitting on his couch, chair, standing in the middle of the room, somewhere between the kitchen counters, or is just walking on the sidewalk with his headphones on. His body always shows when he’s listening to music. No matter if it’s a gentle head bobbing from side to side or his arms making circular motions around, or when he’s alone, lip-synching, quiet humming. It’s normal for him to dance too. He does it when they cuddle on the bed or the sofa, he does it in between the kisses, and altogether every moment they share, decorated with fine tunes. And that’s sweet like honey and worth remembering. Sapnap chuckles at the vision of Karl just swaying his feet around the room as the song goes on, asking him to join with that perfect, adorable smile of his.

And then it ends and another one starts.

“All I am…” Sapnap sings, not able to stop himself from doing so, as The Neighborhood comes in.

Karl loves this song too. And it doesn’t matter that Sapnap is tone-deaf; he always sings it for Karl when he asks. No matter how offbeat he is, his boyfriend would always be excited about it and hype him up. But ultimately, it reminded him of Karl’s addiction to Sapnap’s hoodies.  
He could almost hear his lover’s voice asking, “Sap, can I wear it?!”.

Karl loves oversized clothes. He likes it when the material touches his body in a not fitting way. It’s way more comfortable if he can just drown in his sweaters, and “get a little uwu” as he calls it, by pulling the sleeves over his hands. But his favorite oversized clothes are those he gets from Sapnap’s wardrobe. It’s mandatory for Karl to just get to his boyfriend’s closet the second he steps into the room and puts on a T-shirt on hot days, so big Sapnap usually sees one of his shoulders exposed; it’s cute and hot at the same time. Or, when it gets cold, he just takes his hoodies. And his favorite is that light blue one, with a black graphic of a giant panda with a Japanese caption Sapnap never bothered to translate. He remembers the day Karl put in for the first time and how overwhelmed he felt because his boyfriend looked so cute and perfect in it. He recalls the way Karl blushed when they locked their stares, probably taken off guard by all the love in Sapnap’s eyes at the moment. He knows his partner feels a little insecure about his body, and he is always on the verge of telling Karl how much he loves every inch of him and how he would kiss every part of his body to prove his point. And then he stops. Because… Why the verge? Why not just tell him that? What is he afraid of? It’s obvious he wants Karl to feel loved and beautiful, so what the hell is he doing by not telling him that? Sapnap frowns at himself. It’s such an obvious thing to do. Just telling the truth, sending him all the compliments in the world, since that’s what he deserves. It’s that simple to boost up his boyfriend’s confidence. And the first thing to note. He looks around as he drives, noticing a sign informing about a parking lot not so far away. Looking at the road, he repeats to himself, “Tell Karl he is beautiful. Tell him he’s perfect, you moron.”, over and over, until he parks and jumps out of the car. He opens the trunk to grab his bag and gets his notebook out, writing down the point he made, skipping the “moron” part. Maybe Punz was right. Maybe a hippie trip was a good idea. Or maybe not, and he’ll sound like an idiot when he actually tells Karl all those things.

After closing the trunk and throwing the notebook onto the passenger seat, he leans on the car for a moment, in silence, not looking in any particular direction. The first mistake was found. He sighs, rubbing his eyes with a frown.

“I’m such an idiot,” he murmurs. “It’s so goddamn obvious, what the hell? Just speak with words, you moron.”

When he looks up, the toilet near the parking lot catches his attention, and so he goes in to relieve himself after hours and hours of traveling. Once he leaves, he looks around. There is nothing, just an empty field, and a forest far in the distance, with a sign informing about the gas station a few miles away by the side of the road. Sapnap decides to stop by it and maybe get some snacks while he’s there. When he leaves, the next song on the CD (he’s sure that he missed one or two when he was thinking about Karl’s insecurities and his own stupidity) plays. It’s Rex Orange County telling him that “Loving Is Easy”.

It is and isn’t at the same time.

Loving Karl is so easy that it hurts. It just takes time to realize he’s not an annoying ball of stupidity, as many would like to see him. Karl Jacobs is just unable to hate once you give him a chance.

And Sapnap did.

He fell for Karl without realizing it. He fell for his giggles, his thoughtfulness, his clumsiness, and everything that made and still makes Karl the wonderful person that he is. He even fell for his lack of sleep, crippling Monster addiction, and the way he can’t sit straight in a goddamn chair. For playfulness, mischievous smiles and laughing at outdated memes. And for his perfectly ambery brown eyes, and beautifully red cheeks, for his soft, dark locks and painted nails. It happened so fast, and they clicked so well together, that it was surreal. And now he’s here, a few months into a relationship with the most perfect person he could’ve ever found. And they are messing up on a daily basis.

Loving is hard when emotions start to be too much for you to handle. Loving is hard when you know you wouldn’t be feeling terrible if it wasn’t for the person you care about. Sapnap feels bad when Karl decides he wants to spend time with somebody else, feels bad when his boyfriend doesn’t reply to his messages and blames himself every time Karl has a bad day. Love gives you so many new reasons to feel joy and an equal amount of reasons to feel pain. And nobody can hurt you like your loved ones can. A few words too many, a few actions too far. One or two misunderstandings. All of them can break your heart and leave a mark. Because love hurts sometimes; that’s what makes the good moments so perfect and worth remembering. Sapnap catches himself calling people that hang out with his boyfriend awful names, and he hates it in himself. He doesn’t know why it happens, but anytime he competes for Karl’s attention, he gets so painfully and annoyingly defensive. He shouldn’t go so hard. Playing it off as a joke, Sapnap copes with all the negativity within him. Maybe he’s just scared, that’s not clear yet. He should probably write it down.  
Sapnap feels his grip on the steering wheel tighten as he hears the next song.

“Step one, you say, we need to talk...”

That’s accurate. They do need to talk about something. Everyone says he needs to talk and, but also, as Punz has said before, he has to listen. What is there to listen to if he doesn’t speak to people? What is there to listen to if he doesn’t speak to Karl? But what is the talk even supposed to be about? Sapnap notices a forest, and as the clock says it’s a little past noon, he stops his car in a probably not too legal place and gets out. After finding his wallet, he stares down at a post-it note in his hand. And then, with a heavy sigh, he throws it into his pocket, hides a notebook in the hood of his hoodie, and starts walking.


	3. like flowers blooming in a lonely field

Sapnap walks by the edge of the forest, looking down at his feet. Is it the right time? He goes up a hill and looks around. The wind is quietly blowing, playing with his hair in the process, bringing the smell of mowed grass. He notices a cleaning between the pine trees at the bottom of the hill. Looking down, he gets such a dumb, yet appealing idea. How stupid would it be if he just… rolled down? He’s not a kid anymore, sure. But it’s not like you can find a hill in the middle of the city and the parks aren’t the same. Sapnap smiles lightly, sitting down on the grass. He takes a few deep breaths. That is most likely the right time. He takes out the post-it note and the shitty phone. And he dials the number.

One, two, three…

“Hello?”

Sapnap smiles at the sound of Dream’s voice.

“Hi.”

“Hi! Are you good?”

“I mean, I guess…” Sapnap looks around, “It’s cool out here.”

“Where are you?” he asks.

“I don’t know. In a forest, of some kind. A lot of pine trees, a lot of, well, grass... ”

“Are you calling from the emergency phone?”

“There is not exactly a phone booth in the middle of the woods.”

“I guess there isn’t, yeah…” he hears a faint smile in his voice, “So! I assume I’m your first call?”

“You are.” he nods. “Couldn’t be anyone else.”

“That’s nice.” a creaking sound in the background, “So, do you want to ask me about something?”

“I think so…” 

The moment of silence between them doesn’t feel heavy. Sapnap feels like he can take all the time he needs because Dream will always listen and understand. They are best friends for a reason.

“Am I overprotective?” he asks.

“Overprotective, huh…?”

Dream thinks for a moment.

“Before I answer, how did you come to that?”

“Oh… I was listening to music in the car and it just hit me with the lyrics.”

“Impressive. Well, why do you think you’re overprotective?”

“I think it’s about my reactions when Karl hangs out with somebody else.”

“Okay, what reactions?”

“Uhh…” he thinks for a minute, “I don’t like it.”

A moment of silence. It sounds so terrible out of context.

“Keep going, I’m listening.” Dream encourages him.

“I feel abandoned when he does it. Like I’m not needed anymore…” Sapnap cringes at himself, “Actually, nevermind, it’s dumb.”

“No, no, no! You’re doing the same shit with backing out and not talking, that’s not the point.” Dream protests. “It’s not dumb. It’s important. I won’t laugh at you, I promise. Just keep going, please.”

Sapnap sighs and looks around again. There is another hill in the distance, vibrant green and higher and wider than the one he sits on. The hillside is covered in something white. Most likely some kind of flowers; tender and beautiful, moved by the wind. He looks at it as he continues.

“I feel like he doesn’t need me anymore. I know he’s my boyfriend, I know he loves me but… It’s just weird. And sometimes because of that I trash talk his friends and I know it's mean and messed up, and we argue about it a lot but I'm just weirdly uncomfortable with that? I can't help it, I don't know, man. I feel like a dick but that's how it's like for me.”

Dream is quiet for a brief moment.

“I think I know what this is about,” he says slowly.

“Well?”

“You’re insecure. And a bit of a gatekeeper,” states Dream, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I’m… what? No, I’m not insecure.”

“It’s the time somebody tells you this, Sapnap.” he sighs, “You are. You’re insecure and anxious. And that’s perfectly okay.”

“What do you mean by “insecure”?”

“Okay, listen. I’ve known you for almost a decade now. I doubt there is anyone who knows you better than me, other than your family. And I’m pretty sure I know you better than Karl does.”

Sapnap doesn’t respond.

“It’s your first time in a serious relationship. And, knowing you, I know that deep down you think that Karl could have someone better than you.”

“I-”

“You’re in constant fear of losing him. You just think that him hanging out with other people can result in him realizing he can do better. It lays in your insecurity and lack of self-confidence.” Dream stops for a moment, “I’ve talked to Karl many times about you. He loves you, man. He really does. You have to trust him more.”

“But…” Sapnap sighs, “But it is true. He can do better than me. He can easily find a prettier, funnier, and nicer dude. There are probably dozens of those around him.”

“Karl says you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. He would never trade you for anything in this world.”

Sapnap freezes at the sound of that. “The best thing that has ever happened to him.”. He feels his cheeks getting red.

“Am I…?”

“If Karl says so, I think you can trust his judgment.”

“Then why has he never said it to me?”

“Well… Have you said something like that to him?” asks Dream, “He says he feels like you don’t like things like that? He doesn’t want to come off too clingy or something like that. Too scared to make you uncomfortable.”

“I do like it!”

“Well, you don’t show it to him.”

“Am I making him feel bad…?”

“I mean, maybe not “bad”. But he certainly bites his tongue a lot of times he wants to show you affection.”

Sapnap pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I’m such a moron…” he murmurs, “Give me a second.”

He lays the phone on the ground and then struggles to get the notebook out of his hood.

“You’re saying I have to… embrace the thought of him loving me and open up,” Sapnap says slowly, trying to come up with the next note.

“I guess. But my point was more about your self-confidence.” he says, “You’re new to this whole relationship mess. You’re new to feeling this way, it’s fine. But yeah, trust me, you have nothing to be scared of because Karl loves you. I’ve read somewhere that love is similar to a flower, actually.”

“A flower…?” Sapnap stares at the flower hill again, listening to Dream.

“Yeah! You can think of yourself as a gardener. You have to systematically take care of it. And the flower will be beautiful. You know, some flowers are grown in the wild or the garden. I think Karl is more of a wildflower. You need to give him his own space sometimes because he’s deeply connected to other plants and his environment. You take care of him when his surroundings get too harsh, and he grows beautifully. And you’re more of a garden flower, needing constant care to grow. Your environment is also very important but receiving proper care makes it much easier for you to bloom. It takes a lot of time to become a good gardener. I’m sure you can make it work, though.”

“You googled this, there’s no way you just came up with this.”

“Oh, come on now, I didn’t google shit. You know it.”

It was easy to forget that Dream was a writer. And then he would get into those artistic monologues.

“Okay, Mr. Shakespeare.” Sapnap smiles lightly. “How?”

“With balance. But it’s for you to figure out if you want to make it work. Not for me.”

Sapnap nods his head a few times, slowly.

“I see.”

“Now it seems obvious now, doesn’t it?”

“It does.“ Sapnap agrees, “I feel like a complete dumbass.” 

“It’s funny how obvious things are the hardest to get.”

“It’s not funny. It’s annoying.” he shakes his head, “Do you have anything else?”

A brief moment of silence, interrupted just by Dream’s quiet, “Hmm…”.

“I think you’re ready to love, Sapnap. You’re just not exactly prepared to be loved.”

“Oh, come on. What does THAT mean?”

“It means that you can’t tell how important you are to someone and you doubt yourself. And then you can’t express your own feelings, you overthink shit. And you mess up.”

“Yeah, we kinda… got to that point like three minutes ago.”

“Well, did it sink in?”

“It… It did.”

“Then I’m glad. You’re worth loving, more than anyone else.”

Sapnap smiles at the sound of that. He blinks away a few tears that have gathered in his eyes. He covers his mouth with his hand and chuckles into it. This is so cheesy and dumb. And it feels so nice.

“Thanks, man.” he manages to say after a while.

“Always. Do you want to hang up now? Remember, I won’t pick up anymore. That would ruin the whole point of you leaving. You have five numbers left.”

“Four numbers. Stops including Quackity. And I think I’m good now. Thank you, really. I appreciate that a lot.”

“Well, I’m really glad I could help!” his smile is loud, “I hope you can work this out.”

“Same. Bye, thanks again.”

“Love you, man!”

Dream hangs up and Sapnap lies down on the grass. He looks into the sky, blue and clear, loosely throwing his arms across the ground, smiling lightly. He looks like he’s about to make a snow angel. It’s so obvious: he loves Karl and Karl loves him back. It’s obvious but it feels so good now that he has heard it from someone. Like it’s a fact. Such a simple thing. Karl thinks Sapnap is the best thing that has ever happened in his life. He wouldn’t trade him for anything else in this world. He can’t waste it. Sapnap feels the same way towards him. He rolls onto his stomach and writes down “Learn to love: say it loud.”. Say it loud. Do it right now.

“I LOVE YOU!” he yells, unexpectedly, rolling onto his back.

He’s surprised with how loud his voice is. Even though Karl can’t hear him right now, the world now knows. The wind takes the message, shares the memory of his feelings around. When the echo fades, leaving him in silence, the wind will remember it and traveling around, it’ll bring his words to the rest of the planet. Sapnap wants the whole world to know, and he feels better. He feels so much joy even though the statement hasn’t repaired anything yet. It feels good to realize. Then he closes his eyes and rolls down the hillside, then immediately stands up and runs towards the higher one. He leans to look at the flowers.

“Anemones…?” he asks himself.

He knows those flowers. The name ‘anemone’ means ‘windflower’ and it originates in Greek. When he was little, he read somewhere that anemones are a reminder to take opportunities at the right time. In some interpretations, they also symbolize fragility. He smiles and touches one with his finger. The tender, white flowers remind him of Karl, especially after Dream’s speech about love.

“Karl is more of a wildflower,” he remembers.

Sapnap knows he shouldn’t, but he picks one of them and tucks it in between the pages of the notebook, pressing it together. He hopes he can remember this place. Then he stands up and goes back to his car. It still feels like he needs answers to questions he hasn’t found yet. It means it’s time to hit the road.


	4. the petals drift through crossing winds

Sapnap manages to drive away before anyone can call the police on his disgustingly parked car. He still needs to get to the gas station, and it takes him half an hour to get there. The station is rather big, and it’s a part of a town Sapnap hasn’t caught the name of when he was arriving. He actually fills up his car, grabs a medium cup of white coffee, and buys a shit load of junk snacks. He pays way more than he wanted to, but it should last him two days if he eats like a normal human being and not a bear. He asks the guy at the counter about places he could eat something else than a sandwich or a bag of chips. He kinda hopes there’s a Chick-fil-A nearby, but only gets a Subway and a few local restaurants in response. He thanks the man and goes back into the car. Sitting back, he takes the notebook into his hands. He opens it and looks at the anemone for a brief moment, not thinking anything in particular. He doesn’t even realize he’s smiling. Dried flowers last longer than living ones, right? He closes the notebook again and puts it into his bag to keep it pressed. Sapnap holds himself back from messaging Karl from his shitty phone to tell him about the anemone.  
He ends up in a little cozy restaurant, way better than the diner he has had breakfast at, where he orders homemade chicken nuggets and baked potatoes. He sits there for a while, getting bored. He never realized how long the day is until now. Without a phone, Sapnap has nothing to do. Punz was right, he has to think about things if he wants the time to pass. He lays his head down on the table, waiting for his meal to arrive. Yeah, sure, he’s going to be busy eating, but what’s next? He still has so much time until the day ends…

“Here. Are you okay?”

He hears the sound of a plate colliding with the table as the waitress puts his order down. Sapnap sits up.

“Thank you. I’m good.”

She shrugs and leaves him, the sound of her heels knocking on the wooden floor, echoing throughout the room.

The food is actually delicious, and he is glad he’s stopped by. But he still likes Chick-fil-A better. He leaves a little tip and goes back into his car. He decides to listen to some more songs on their mixtape and drives away again, leaving the town behind. He wonders how many miles he has traveled already. But does it really matter if he has to drive around until he’s ready to talk to Karl again and tell him what he has learned? And as the CD starts playing, “Golden” is the next song he hears.  
Karl always hums this song under his nose when he’s cooking, which doesn’t happen too often, really. But sometimes it does, and those are interesting things to witness.

He remembers Karl’s smile when he says, “I’m bad at this…” every time he cooks.

And that’s some bullshit, really. Karl cooks pretty well when he’s actually following the recipe without something along the lines of, “But what if I add some chili powder instead of curry? I don’t have any curry and it sounds similar.”. Plus, if we forget about this one time he decided to prepare a “special dish”, consisting of honey cereal and Monster Energy, Karl’s cooking history is decent. Sapnap laughs at the memory of his boyfriend eating the monstrosity. Karl was claiming it’s good, and then he has never done it again, which says a lot about how good it really was. Sapnap sings along, moving his head to the tune. He wishes he could watch Karl’s cooking attempts every day. Not only the good ones. Such a weird thing, connecting a love song to badly done meals.

Let’s skip through the part Sapnap vibes way too hard when he hears “Sketchers” and move along to another one. Either way, when he calmed down after his aggressive half dancing (that most likely made other drivers question his sanity), he took a breath, painted with a faint smile. God, he loves this song.

Sapnap’s mood rapidly changes after he hears the next tune. He knows this text by heart. 

“Walk in your rainbow paradise…” he sings, a lot quieter than the previous one.

“Strawberry lipstick state of mind…”

Sapnap relaxes into his seat.

“I get so lost in your eyes…” he continues, smiling at the thought.

He really does love Karl’s eyes and treasures every second they share this particular, loving stare; the moment they hold on to before every meaningful kiss. He would never admit it to anyone else but him, though. The way his heartbeats, when he’s just drowning in the sea of his eyes, is like a melody only Karl is allowed to listen to.

And so, Sapnap sings the whole thing, recapping every kiss he can remember. From the most gentle ones from all the nights, they spend just being with each other, watching movies all the way to those powerful, lustful ones that often happen, but never end up anywhere. It’s not like he wants to rush it. He knows Karl needs to wait, he gives him all the time he needs to prepare or to generally establish if he even wants to go further. Sapnap can wait for him and only for him. He’s generally a pretty impatient guy, but when it comes to his boyfriend, this part of him suddenly vanishes. He can and wants to wait. He wonders if Karl ever feels bad about himself for letting Sapnap down every time it gets serious. He should probably ask about it… But won’t he just put Karl on the spot then? It would make him uncomfortable. And things would get awkward. Sapnap drops the thought.

When he actually stops at traffic lights in a town he doesn’t know, he grabs his notebook and writes down the word “adore” and “wait” somewhere in the corner of the page. He’s not sure what that means himself, but it feels important. He drives through the area, not sure what he’s looking for. His eyelids keep on closing on him, so he figures he either should find a place to sleep or at least an open parking lot. He had read a lot of articles beforehand, about where he is allowed to sleep and, surprisingly, there’s a bunch of those. A hippie road trip is probably more about sleeping in the car, not in a hotel or something, anyway. 

He ends up in a cheap motel, anyway. He doesn’t even look at the time when he lies down on the bed. It smells like dust and a bit like some grandma’s living room, but he falls asleep before he’s able to even complain about it.

When he wakes up, it’s 4 AM. And he’s actually well-rested. It’s a normal hour for him to wake up since his sleep schedule is so messed up. Sapnap stares at the ceiling for a few solid minutes before he stands up and stretches. Well, that was a weird night. After standing steady on his two feet, he thinks about how good of an idea it would be to take a shower right now. He doesn’t really want to risk getting some sort of disease since the motel is not too well kept. He’s sure he has seen something on the wall before he fell asleep, and he doesn’t really want to know if it was a spider or a cockroach. Besides, the bathroom stinks, and he’s barely able to pee properly because of that. That leads to the decision that maybe next time he’s going to actually sleep in his car to avoid spending all his money on sleeping in dirty rooms and peeing in stinky bathrooms. He ends up just changing his clothes. The girl he returns his room key to looks at him like he’s a psychopath.

He doesn’t even move from the parking lot for an hour, instead lies on his backseat, not feeling like driving. After fifteen minutes, he proceeds to eat a bag of pretzels for breakfast and then forty minutes later is forced to move, since a security guard tells him to do so. Even though he doubts the old man actually has a problem with him staying, he decides not to tire the poor guard more than he already is and leaves. His next stop is a gas station and a man behind the counter yawns as Sapnap walks in to order coffee for himself.

Nothing, in particular, happens until 11 AM, when he ends up at a rest stop, just sitting in the passenger seat, trying to solve a Sudoku. After giving up, he actually thinks about where to head next. After all, he has spent the whole previous day driving, avoiding big cities, and not doing anything in particular, aside from thinking about his love life during the process. He might have to go back, and he actually considers it a pretty good idea. After all, being alone so far from home is actually pretty scary if you think about it for more than three minutes. Yeah, Sapnap feels good and kinda free, but how long will it last until he gets anxious again, and he’ll have to drive five days to get back home? Maybe he should hurry up with this whole “thinking” thing. What’s next? What should he comprehend now? He takes a look at his notes and cringes at them. They aren’t too impressive. He has two sentences, two loosely thrown words, and a flower. Dream would be way better at this. He sighs, trying to re-think some lines, trying to catch his feelings and trap them in letters.

“Learn to love: say it loud.” he reads under his nose, “How about…”

He bites his lower lip and writes down all the adjectives he could describe Karl with, starting with “beautiful”, through “cute” all the way to “perfect” and it takes a whole page of his messy handwriting (in three columns) to list everything he could think of. Are words enough, though? Sure, they are important, but without actions, they are like empty shells. Dream even told him that he doesn’t show Karl enough affection and that’s what he should work on. So the next thing he decides to write are non-verbal ways of saying “I love you”. Sapnap feels a lot like a cheesy idiot when he lists down things like “holding hands” and “kissing” but they all feel too obvious. Of course, he’s not going to go around doing those with random people. He needs something more original. Something more intimate, something he does exclusively with Karl, but he really struggles. He can’t do this alone, he cringes too much. It’s all not at all what he would do. Does he even know anyone who would do something like that? And then he realizes he does. Sapnap gets his shitty phone and dials the number, eliminating another person from his list. And cringing like crazy in the process.

One, two, three, four…

“Hello?”

Sapnap takes a deep breath.

“Hello, dad.”

He hears a chuckle on the other side.

“Hi, Sapnap! How’s your trip going?”

“I need your help. Are you free right now?”

“I am! I am! What is it?”

Sapnap smiles at how eager Bad is about helping him.

“Okay, uhh…” he suddenly stops, “Actually, give me a second, I need to find a better place than this.”

“What do you mean?” asks Bad, sounding a little concerned, “Where are you right now?”

“Oh, I’m at a rest spot, chilling. But… You know what? If I’m going to be cheesy, I might as well find a better place than my car.” Sapnap explains, fastening his seat belt.

“Oh, getting cheesy, huh?” he hears a smile in Bad’s voice. A witty one.

“You have no idea… Sorry I called, don’t mark it down as my ACTUAL call. I’ll call again in a moment, just need to… Get in the mood.”

“I have no idea what it means, but I’m waiting.”

He should’ve thought about it earlier. After all, it takes him an hour to find something fitting, and it’s just a park in a town, not that far away from the spot he parked in. Sapnap enters the area and as he walks on the path, he calls Bad again.

“Hi, it’s me. Your favorite son.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re my favorite.”

“Ouch…”

“No, I’m kidding! You are. So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Bad, you’re better than this than I am,” Sapnap admits, looking around.

“Probably.”

He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t question Bad’s self-confidence.

“So… How do I say “I love you” without saying it?”

“What?” the older one sounds confused.

“How do I say “I love you” without saying it?” Sapnap repeats, slower this time.

“No! Tell me what you mean, don’t repeat the sentence!”

“I don’t know what I mean!” he responds, “I just want to find ways to… express my feelings differently. You know, like… Something else than just kissing and stuff like that…” he says, feeling his cheeks getting red. 

Jesus, he feels embarrassed talking to Bad like that. He feels embarrassed just saying this stuff out loud.

“Oh!” Bad exclaims, “I see. Let’s think about it. Did you come up with something already?”

“Uhh… Yeah…” he opens his notebook and searches for the page.

“You’re writing it down?” Bad asks, probably figuring it out from the paper flipping sounds.

Sapnap doesn’t respond.

“Awww, that’s cute!” 

“Stop that. Just help me.”

“Then read it to me! Tell me what you have already.”

Sapnap finds himself in a spot under a tree, between a flowerbed and a big yellow bush, which name he forgot. He opens the notebook on the right page and coughs before reading it.

“Take your time, don’t stress yourself.”

“You’re making it harder for me.” he groans.

“Oh, sorry…”

Bad goes silent, and Sapnap takes a deep breath before reading his notes.

“Kissing... “

“M-hmm…”

“Cuddling… Holding hands… Actually, you know what, I’m not reading that aloud.” he says after his cheeks start burning from embarrassment in five seconds, “Just think with me and I’ll tell you if I have it written down.”

“Jeez, okay…” sigh, “So, how about… forehead kisses?”

“Doesn’t it fall into the “kisses” category?”

“No! Every kiss is different! Kiss on the cheek isn’t equal to kiss on the lips, for example.”

Sapnap leans against the tree trunk. 

“Like…” Bad continues, “You can’t compare a kiss on the lips to the kiss on the forehead. It’s not the same at all! Because a kiss on the lips is like… A symbol of love, sure, you don’t go around kissing everyone too, but a forehead kiss, at least in my opinion, is a way better way to say “I love you.”, you know?”

“Why?”

“What do you mean “why?”?!”

“It’s your opinion, tell me why it’s valid.”

Bad sighs.

“Well, when you kiss someone on the forehead, it’s actually a very adorable and caring gesture. It makes people feel safe and loved, you know, assures them that you care! And that’s important in a relationship. Don’t tell me you’ve never kissed Karl on the forehead, Sapnap, come on.”

“I… I did… Once… Or twice.” Sapnap says, feeling like an idiot.

“Oh, my goddess… Okay, write it down. Write it down and mark it as very important.”

“I just never thought about it like that!”

“Time to start!” says Bad, cheerfully, “So, your turn!”

Sapnap thinks about the one a little. He runs his fingers through his hair with his fingers and gasps.

“Playing with his hair!” he exclaims a little too loud.

He gets a very heavy sigh in response.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot you’re bald now.” Sapnap laughs into the phone.

“I’m not- I mean, I guess I’m kinda bald right now.”

Bad has lost a bet and had to shave his head a few weeks prior.

“But you’re right,” he admits. “I’m bald, but I like it when somebody plays with my hair. Or I used to like it, at least…”

“Karl plays with my hair sometimes…” he admits, “It actually feels really nice.”

He ignores his friend’s “Awww” and moves on.

“So… Next thing…” Sapnap thinks for a moment, “It’s yours. What’s the next thing?”

“I don’t know, give me a moment…”

“Bad!”

“Give me a moment, Sapnap!”

He laughs at Bad’s annoyed tone.

“How about… baking together?”

“What?”

“Baking muffins together!” his voice is so excited that it makes Sapnap smile, “It’s very nice when you do it with someone you love. Or cooking in general!”

“That’s… It makes no sense, man. Why cooking?”

“It does! Trust me, there is nothing better than cooking with someone! It’s way more fun than when you do it by yourself, for sure. I know it, from experience.”

Sapnap thinks about it for a moment. All those times Karl was cooking over at his place, he offered his help, but it was never accepted.

“Actually… I would like to try that, yeah.”

Maybe he should try a little harder next time. Maybe his boyfriend doesn’t want him to help because he feels it’s too much to ask for. It does sound a lot like something Karl would do.

“Why are you asking about those things anyway?” Bad asks.

“Uh… Dream made me realize I don’t show too much affection to Karl. So I’m working on it.”

“What do you mean by “not showing too much affection”, mister?” asks Bad, his tone surprisingly irritated.

“Don’t yell at me! I’m trying to get better, that’s why I’m calling!”

“I won’t yell at you!” Bad responds, “But it’s very important to show affection, Sapnap. It’s probably the most important thing ever, along with just… Being there for him.”

Sapnap looks up as the wind starts blowing. The same wind that heard his “I love you!” is now a witness of him learning how to say it in a different way. Is it proud of him? The wind blows a few petals of the bush and the flowerbed. It circles them around in their own little dance. Maybe it is a little proud.

“I know,” he whispers, nodding his head. “It’s my mistake and I’m trying my best to learn how to fix it.”

Bad is quiet for a few seconds.

“You’re a wonderful person, Sapnap,” he says, finally.

His voice changes to a caring one, the one everyone is used to hearing, when they come to him with their own little demons and struggles.

“Huh?”

“I’m proud of you.” and again, a smile can be heard in his voice, “Not everyone can actually admit to their mistakes and be responsible about them, and not everyone makes an effort to get better. It shows that you care about him and your relationship. You’re a really good person and an amazing partner too, don’t ever doubt that.”

“If I were an amazing partner, I wouldn’t have to learn all of those. I would know.”

“It’s not about knowing, not at all! Nobody is perfect, especially when it comes to love. And everybody loves in a different way. Sometimes it’s better to take time figuring out the boundaries. If the person you chose really loves you, they’ll understand that you both need to learn. You can’t rush anything.” Bad stops for a brief moment, again, “And the one good thing about mistakes is that you can learn a lot from them. And you’re trying your best, that’s what matters the most.”

“It takes a long time to become a good gardener, huh?”, Sapnap smiles to himself, closing his eyes.

“I… don’t really know what that means.”

“Don’t worry about it.” he laughs.

“But I’m glad you’re finally ready to talk.” Bad adds, “It always takes you a lot to come to us with your struggles.”

“I think I’ll be coming to you more often now.”

“Okay, what’s the next thing? Maybe… Oh, I’ll go full cheesy right now, don’t laugh at me.”

“I don’t have the audacity to anymore.”

“There are some evenings, especially in winter, when you just… Want to sit down together, share a blanket… Your favorite radio station playing in the background... Oh, and you make some hot cocoa or coffee and you just… And you are together, just enjoying this. It’s all about being close. And then you can do all those non-verbal love confessions altogether and it’s just the best time you can have.”

Bad’s voice sounds like it’s his own little dream. His own fantasy he loves and his vision of being loved. Sapnap opens his eyes, feeling a little lost. The term “non-verbal love confessions” sounds so weirdly appealing.

“I see… I think I get what it’s all about.”

“You try now. It’s my own little thing to dream about, you know? Try to come up with something, what would you like to do? Just think about the best scenario about being together.”

“I…”

“Close your eyes and think for a moment. We have time, don’t rush it.”

“I…” Sapnap closes his eyes, breathing slowly, picturing something nice in his mind, “I want to… I want to turn my LEDs on and make the light a little pinkish.”

He stops for a few seconds. It sounds so weird, but the vision appearing in his head is more than pleasant, and he actually wants to finish it.

“Go on.” Bad encourages him. “I won’t laugh.”

“Put on our playlist, the one he patched together for me for my birthday…” he stops for a moment, “He would put on my hoodie like he always does.” feeling himself smiling, he continues, “And we just… lay there, together. Maybe we cuddle. We listen to music, we sing together… And I can just… Play with his hair, as we talked earlier. And nothing interrupts us.”

“It’s just the two of you, huh? Nothing else matters?”

“Nothing else matters.” he agrees.

“That’s a really nice and peaceful vision, Sapnap. And if you play it out right, it’s perfectly in your reach.”

Sapnap opens his eyes. The light blinds him for a moment, and he feels tears gathering again. He wipes them quickly with his hand and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t even feel embarrassed anymore. He feels weirdly nostalgic about the things that are about to come. Such a weird feeling...

“Thanks, Bad…” he says, “I knew I could count on you on this one.”

“You can always count on me! That’s what friends are for.”

Sapnap chuckles, thankful to whoever gave him such amazing people to have in his life. He feels a little calmer.  
“I’m going to hang up now…” he says. “Thank you so much, really.”

“It’s okay! I’m always here if you need me, Sapnap.”

“I know. Bye, Bad...”

“I’m sure it’ll work out! Bye!”

When he hangs up, Sapnap stays in his spot for the next few minutes. Maybe it’s an hour. It doesn’t really matter, since, in his mind, he’s with Karl, in his own room. Pinkish light illuminates everything, painting it this nice, warm rosy glow, and they are just simply there, being together. And the vision of his boyfriend’s face is the best thing he could have in his head right now.


	5. they find their way to river streams

The evening comes in slowly like it doesn’t even want to arrive. Sapnap sits in his car, eating his McDonald’s order, looking through his notes with a faint smile on his face. He spent the entire day in the town, daydreaming like crazy. There are so many things he would like to do now. There are so many forms of intimacy he can reach, so many words he can say without speaking up. He almost can’t wait to go back home, but there is still something missing in his thinking process. Or is there? Sapnap relaxes into his seat, chewing on fries and listening to tunes on the radio. Quietly humming, he checks on the anemone. It’s not looking too bad, actually. He tucks the contained wilderness between the pages again, something he can look at and remember the moment he came clean about his feelings. 

The wind is getting strong outside, and he’s glad he can just sit, not affected by it. His thoughts go back to the hill for a brief moment, wondering how the flowers are taking this violent weather. Or maybe there’s no wind there. He left this place miles and miles behind him, after all. Sapnap sighs, stretching his arms out. 

“What else…?” he asks himself.

He has learned he needs to give him space. He has learned that he, himself, is loved, and he needs to show Karl his feelings. Sure, okay. He’s going to learn how to do all of it practically when he comes back. So what the hell is missing? No, nothing is missing, right? Sapnap frowns and finishes his fries. Or maybe, just maybe, he should think of what to say to Karl when he comes back. And if he is, he’s going to think about it tomorrow. He’s too deep into daydreaming about things he can do and doesn’t really want to think about his responsibilities right now. He often thinks about spending time with Karl, but after what Bad has told him, his thoughts are different than before.

He and Karl can go for a walk, just in time to see the sun setting. They can sit together, somewhere away from the city, watching the colors splattered across the sky, painting it orange, yellow, red, and purple. As the evening comes, they can lay on the grass, not doing too much. Their fingers lacing, maybe sharing that familiar look of love. Sapnap feels himself blushing a little at the vision. God, he really is madly in love with Karl, if just the imaginary version of him can get him like that.

“I miss you…” he sighs to himself, or maybe to Karl too.

He wonders how his boyfriend is doing and if he misses him. Obviously, he does, right? They are a couple, after all. Or maybe he realized he can ACTUALLY do better. Maybe he had all this time and realized Sapnap isn’t the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he WOULD trade him for something else. Sapnap shakes his head, but the anxiety doesn’t wear off. Dream has said Karl loves him and Dream’s always right! Sapnap frowns. He should come back, probably. He doesn’t need anything else, and he’s been keeping his partner waiting long enough already, anyway. And he misses home. It’ll take him a ton of hours to go back too, so it’s better to hurry up. The sun is coming to its set when he finally makes use of the navigation device and is pretty much ready to go home. He feels like the time to sort out his life is getting closer, which sends a weird feeling down to his stomach.

He drives the whole evening and even a part of the night. The stars in the night sky are watching him from above, sparkling gently. They’ve been there for such a long time, just gazing upon the world. They’ve probably seen hundreds of similar stories, where one person needs to back out for some time, think things through and basically come back as someone new. Is he even someone new? Does he need to be? Sapnap remembers the time when he believed in that childish theory, the one about stars being the eyes of dead people, looking down and watching the lives of those whom they used to love. Fathers look after their sons, husbands look after their wives (or husbands), and they finally reunite with them in the sky, turning into dust, traveling through the universe together to the end of times.

And when Sapnap falls asleep that night, he has a dream.

Levitating up high, he has a picture of Karl before his eyes. Sapnap’s body is glowing brightly, like a star. He feels like he’s naked, but his surroundings feel warm. Hot, burning even. He blinks a few times and turns his attention back to the vision. Karl is lying in his bed, looking into the ceiling. Dressed in a colorful hoodie, a faint smile plastered on his face. He holds something in his hand and Sapnap can’t figure out what it was.

Sapnap’s body is suddenly freezing, feeling like ice is growing all over his skin. He can’t move and watches as his boyfriend is just lying there, alone, in the darkness of his room. The picture becomes blurry. He can barely tell what’s going on. For a second, right when Karl closes his eyes, Sapnap’s vision is fine, and then it fades, like smoke. It’s cold in the void, so cold his limbs could just fall out like snowman’s pieces, and he wouldn’t feel anything. It’s getting difficult to catch the next breaths. Something terrible has happened. Sapnap waits for a few seconds, then minutes, and after what feels like an eternity, he can move again.

“Karl?” he calls out into the void, looking around, “Karl?!”

His voice echoes through the void. He’s alone in the dark. The freezing wind blows, violently messing with his hair.

“Hi...”

Sapnap turns around in a blink of an eye, to see Karl right in front of him. He’s smiling, but those amber eyes are hinting at something painful. The cold breeze invades them again. Karl’s skin is glowing, just like Sapnap’s, with a faint, pinkish light. He’s bright just like a star.

“I have a feeling you shouldn’t be here, Karl…” 

“Yeah, probably not…” he laughs nervously, “It’s cold out here…”

“It is.” Sapnap nods, looking at Karl, “C’mere.”

“Huh?”

It feels like a natural thing to do. It is the natural thing to do, after all. He pulls him into a hug and when their bodies touch, it’s like an explosion coming from their hearts, and all of a sudden the cold disappears, letting the hot wave wrap around them like a blanket. They relax into each other’s embrace. It’s okay.

“I missed you…” Karl whispers, putting his head on Sapnap’s shoulder, “I missed you so much…”

“I know, I missed you too,” he responds, caressing his back as gently as he can.

Karl’s body feels warm and smooth against his fingers, but at the same time, it’s like he is gonna break like a porcelain cup, the moment he presses too hard. He holds on to Sapnap like he’s the last thing he has in his life.

“You were gone for so long…” he whispers into his ear, his voice breaking.

“I know, I know… I’m sorry, Karl…”

He pulls away a little to look at Sapnap’s face, raising his hand and touching his cheek, smiling faintly as he does it.

“But it doesn’t matter. We’re here now, right? We have all the time in the world.”

Sapnap nods his head and leans. Their lips fit perfectly together as if they were always meant to be there. This alone sends another wave of heat into space, coming from their hearts, sending goosebumps all over their pleasantly sensitive bodies. Eventually, Karl backs his head away to look into his eyes.

“Are you ready now?” he asks.

His voice is like clear honey, sweetness dripping from his words. It sends Sapnap into a hypnosis-like state which should be an unnatural thing, something you don’t want to experience. This time it feels right, he is feeling exactly how he’s supposed to, and he has no plans on getting out of it.

“I am,” he says, not sure what he’s even agreeing to.

Karl smiles and hugs him one more time. They close their eyes and slowly, his body starts to fall apart. It’s like space is embracing him, turning his body into the dust he is supposed to be. Then the silence breaks, everything is shaking, the sound of knocking is echoing through the void. He’s still dissolving, not opening his eyes. But it’s getting colder out there, banging is getting faster and louder as seconds pass. Sapnap is starting to feel uneasy, unable to open his eyes as the noise increases. 

And then he wakes up, with Karl’s name on his lips. He has no idea why; he doesn’t remember the dream. But the knocking sound is real, and as he sits up, he sees an elder man banging on his car window. Sapnap rolls it down, rubbing his eyes.

“You can’t park here, son. Get out before I call the police.” the man informs him, looking a little too pissed for Sapnap’s liking.

“Okay, sir…” he yawns. “Very sorry, I misread the sign.”

He drives away, sighing, still sleepy. It seems like it’s way too early to even get up. After all, Sapnap went to sleep late last night and now he has to go and function like a normal human being. It’s barely past 5 AM, but this time he doesn’t have any will or strength to live.

“God…” he murmurs, trying to focus on not crashing his car on an empty road. That would be embarrassing.

He feels confused like his body should be still asleep. His mind wants to come back to a place he doesn’t know. Sapnap is certain he had a dream, surely he dreamt of Karl, and he’s guessing it must have been a nightmare since he woke up screaming his name in a cold sweat. He groans and rubs his eyes again with his left hand, trying to recall at least one thing. 

Still, nothing comes. It feels heavy, but under this whole frustration, there is also an undeniable urge to go back home. Sapnap just wants to see his parents, see Karl, maybe call his friends on Discord. And he really needs to take a shower in his bathroom. He knows he stinks, he even feels dirty. The only thing that is keeping his disgusting hair away from his eyes is a white headband.

“Homesick, homesick…” he sighs, yawning again.

There’s also a mess he is supposed to clean up. He simply can’t wait anymore; Sapnap has to go back home.

The way is longer than he thought it was, and he’s in a terrible mood. The radio starts getting on his nerves. The cars on the highway are as annoying as ever. And the road still goes and goes. Plus, he’s now stuck in the traffic, because hey, highways just have to be busy 24/7, right? And then his shitty phone rings, and he’s obviously surprised, because who the hell is supposed to call this number? Nobody really has it, but those numbers are familiar to him. It’s either somebody he knows or some advertisement crap, somehow. He sighs heavily and picks up.

“Hello?”

“Sapnap.” he hears the familiar British accent.

“George? What the hell? Isn’t it like… I don’t know, early at your place right now?”

“It’s literally 2 PM.”

“Who gave you this number?” Sapnap asks, amused, and surprised at the same time.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this,” George responds, tone bland and not-caring at all. “But it was Dream.”

Yeah, what a surprise.

“Why are you calling me? I should be the one calling you! That’s the whole point!”

“You were taking too long, I got tired of it.”

Sapnap contains his laughter. That’s such a George thing to do.

“Awww, why is that? Perhaps little Gogy needs some attention?” he mocks, “Does Gogy need his daily appreciation from Sappy Nappy?”

“Stop.” he hears an annoyed response and chuckles again.

“Okay, but seriously. Do you have something to tell me or…?”

“No, I just wanted to waste your call.”

The silence between them is hilariously awkward.

George finally sighs, “I’m joking, you moron.”.

“Rude.”

“I heard you’ve talked with Dream and Bad.”

“True.”

“Where are you right now?”

“On the road. I’m going back home.”

“Already? Woah, that’s pretty weak, if you ask me.”

“Shut up George, not everyone is used to showering once a month.”

“I don’t- Okay, my point is, what were you talking about with them?”

“You’ll just laugh at me if I tell you.” Sapnap responds, “Besides, I don’t buy this crap. You know what we’ve been talking about. I bet the first thing Dream did after he hung up was  
calling you.”

George is quiet.

“Wow, you’re so predictable. All of you.” he smiles, “And he has also told Punz not to pick up from this number.”

“Well… I cannot confirm, neither deny this.”

“You just wanted to make me embarrassed. So cut it out.” Sapnap sighs, looking around at the traffic, “Why the heck are you calling?”

“Sit down, Sapnap, God...” the Brit sighs, “I have a few things to tell you.” George stops for a second, “First of all, you may want to move your ass and come back home already. I’ve been talking to Karl, and he says he misses you.”

“Didn’t you say that I’m weak for coming back already?” asks Sapnap, smirking.

George takes his sweet time to come up with an answer, “Well, that was my opinion. And like I said, Karl is the one saying you should hurry up, I’m just quoting him.”

"He misses me?”

“Obviously.”

He contains the urge to mock his accent, “Does he ask about me?”

“Frequently.”

Sapnap feels soft when George confirms it. He smiles and nods his head.

“Okay, go on. What else?”

George is quiet for another few seconds. The traffic starts to move slowly and Sapnap sees he’s about to cross a bridge. The river under it is wide, flowing dirty water humming outside his windows.

“Okay, to be fair, I don’t have anything to tell you.” he gives up, “I just know I won’t be able to pick up tomorrow morning for God knows how long, so I wanted to have my talk with you.”

“That’s…” Sapnap is impressed, honestly, “That’s kinda sweet, Gogy.”

“Don’t ruin it…” he sighs, “Don’t you have anything to ask about? To talk about? I know you’ve had your struggles to go through with Dream and Bad. I guess I can help you too…? With, well, something.”

“Actually, I think I’m done now.”

“Huh?”

“I said I’m done.” Sapnap repeats, “I think I got everything I needed to get.”

“Okay, what did you get?”

“What?”

“You heard me.” George responds, “I know what Dream and Bad have been trying to tell you. But now it’s your turn to tell me what you actually got into your head. If anything did.”

“You want to help me sort my thoughts?” he asks, confused.

“Is that weird?”

“I mean… I would never expect anything like that from you.”

“Why is that?” he asks, his tone weirdly defensive.

“You just… Don’t seem like the type of guy who would do it.”

“But we’re friends. Obviously, I’m willing to do it, Sapnap, don’t be an idiot.”

“Oh, okay…” Sapnap smiles lightly, actually feeling appreciated.

“Go ahead, I’m listening.”

“I… I have to give him space. Stop gatekeeping him from hanging out with other people.”

George hums in agreement.

“I have to… I have to realize that he loves me. Like genuinely.” his voice cracks. “And stop getting pissy over other people talking to him, as if everyone is trying to steal him from me.”

“True.”

“And I have to establish that I am okay with any kind of affection from him. And start showing him mine. Through words and through actions.”

“True.”

Sapnap feels like he’s twelve years old, trying to prove to his mother that he is already done with studying for a test. It’s kinda funny. The only thing missing is George having a school book in his hands to check if everything is correct.

“Oh! And I have to do my best to make him feel beautiful and beat the shit out of his insecurities,” he says proudly.

He came to this by himself, after all.

“Oh?”

“What? Am I wrong?”

“No, no! You’re right. Just… They’ve never told me about this point. Huh…”

Sapnap hears something in the background on the other side and figures George’s probably picked something up.

“Okay, what’s next?”

"Nothing.” he shrugs, eyes on the road. He’s finally moving again.

“No, no. There has to be something.”

“I… I don’t think so, no.”

“No, no, no. Think harder, there has to be something,” he repeats.

He smirks, deciding to mess with his friend a little. It sounds so dumb but if George called him already, he can as well make fun of him or confuse him at least by talking some nonsense.

“Okay, Georgie. Listen to me when I ask this, okay?”

“Sure?”

“Are you reading those things out of some goddamn bucket list? Checking if I’m getting them right with a little green checkmark?”

The silence on the other side is more than enough to get an answer. Sapnap laughs loudly into the phone, hearing George sipping something from his cup, equally loud. It’s exactly like his life back when he was twelve.

“Wait, actually?! You’re so bad at this!” he squeaks between the laughs. “You made a bucket list! And you couldn’t even cover it up!”

Sipping sounds stop.

“What did you say? I couldn’t quite catch it.”

“You have a bucket list!”

Sapnap’s laugh gets lost in the loud noises from George’s side.

“In my defense, I don’t actually mark down which ones you got right,” he says, finally.

Judging by the quiet noise of two things colliding, he puts down the cup.

“You’re hopeless, man.”

“Shut up, there are other thi- Oh, wait.” George stops.

“What?”

He is quiet for a moment.

“Nothing, nothing. I actually remembered something.”

“Did you really remember it, or do you have your own bucket list of things you should say to me?”

George’s next annoyed “Stop!” stops him from actually pursuing any further. He feels like he shouldn’t.

“I think you should call someone before you get back.”

Sapnap’s car stops again. He sighs heavily.

“Don’t even start,” he warns his friend.

“Somebody has to. Dream didn’t, Bad didn’t. If they couldn’t do it, guess I have to.”

“I won’t.”

“Call Quackity, Sapnap.”

George’s tone of voice is determined and somehow pissed, and it causes him to look away from the road as he stops his car again. He can’t just call Quackity and talk about his previous relationship. His eyes drift to the river, trying to focus on something else. The river looks polluted, the water is flowing lazily, all brown and dead. It’s like it would like to give up already, but is too big to dry out.

“I won’t.”

“You know you should.”  
“No, George. I know I shouldn’t, that’s the point you all are missing! Just listen to me-”

“No!”

His voice is so angry it takes Sapnap by surprise. He’s speechless just for a second, but that’s enough for George to go off at him.

“Okay. You listen to me, Sapnap. You’re being a moron and as always you’re just as stubborn as some goddamn donkey. Boohoo, you won’t call him. Because what? You talk to him normally on a daily basis, like nothing ever happened. And it bites you right in the butt, doesn’t it? Stop acting like you’re not talking to us about how weird you feel about the past. And it holds you back! So maybe stop being a stubborn idiot and just listen to us? Talk to Quackity if you want to finally breathe like a normal person, without feeling weird about it.”  
“I have no fucking idea what you just said,” Sapnap responds angrily. “What’s your deal, George?”

“My deal is that you feel like a dick for supposedly stealing Karl from him, and that’s not the case at all. You would know that if you just spoke to people, Sapnap. You feel like you shouldn’t even be with him. Maybe that’s the whole root of your problem! Maybe you should’ve just started from the beginning, from the point you got together with Karl and Quackity was upset. And then maybe, just maybe, you will be able to act like a normal human being. Because apparently, you can’t get over it.”

“I-”

“Quackity is over it. Karl is over it! You’re literally the only one that is not!”

Sapnap goes quiet. It’s been a long time since George went off at him like this. It’s obvious he’s worried and wants him not to mess up. He stares into the dirty water as it flows at its own pace. Maybe the river doesn’t want to be dead after all. He notices the way little light reflections dance on the water's surface, furrowing his eyebrows lightly.

“Are you there?”

He thinks about the way similar reflections dance among the sea waves. Sapnap sometimes wishes he could go back to the shore he used to love as a kid, feel the sand between his toes and salty water hugging him as he runs towards all those sprinkling waves. The way the sun used to set and the way he used to watch it, wondering how many colors come and go during all those sunsets. The times when everything was much easier.

“Okay, maybe I went too hard…”

Yeah, the past holds many, many memories. Some of them get forgotten, some of them are cherished. Some of them aren’t even real memories, since they are never properly closed.

“Sapnap, look, I’m sorry, okay?” George’s voice sounds concerned, and it kinda brings him back to reality.

“No, no, what? I zoned out for a second there.” he sighs, blinking a few times.

“Are you good?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just thinking.”

“About me being right?”

Sapnap hums in response.

“Oh. That’s good…”

“Was the point of you calling me?” he asks, tiredly moving his car forward again. “You called just to tell me to call Quackity?”

“Yeah, kinda…”

They sit in silence for a moment. Sapnap manages to cross the bridge and leaves the river behind.

“And I wanted to make sure you’re fine. That’s kinda what friends do.”

“Yeah…”

It’s a few long seconds before George speaks again, “So, should I leave you alone now?”.

“I have to… rethink that.”

“Okay… So bye, I guess.”

“Thanks, Georgie.”

“Sure, bye… Just don’t talk on the phone while driving, that’s dangerous.”

The talk with George is over and Sapnap sighs heavily. It looks like he has something to think about for the rest of the day.


	6. the scent of water beautifully

The gas station is the next stop, and Sapnap is sick and tired of stopping by them every now and then. He’s not that far away from home, at least. He should be there by evening, and that thought is the only thing keeping him away from sleeping through the entire day in his goddamn car again. As he is sitting, he takes the shitty phone in his hand and checks it.

“How the hell are you still working?” he asks it, looking at the battery.

He hasn’t charged it even once, and it’s still keeping up on a decent percentage. Old phones have it good, huh?

Sapnap’s mind comes back to George yelling at him for not talking to Quackity. But what was he supposed to say? He stares at the small screen.

“Hi, Quackity. Are you mad at me for stealing your boyfriend?” he mocks.

It sounds ridiculous. Does Sapnap feel bad for falling in love with Karl? Yes, and no. He feels terrible about the timing of his feelings and how he had caught them when Karl has already been in a relationship, sure. He should’ve never, ever fallen for him like this. Not then. And he even did his best not to show anything, not to act differently. Sapnap has never tried to make Karl fall for him too. He wouldn’t dare to try and break what he and Quackity had. He was ready to accept the fact that his feeling would never be returned. Sapnap would learn how to let go, how to embrace failure, and how to grow over some feelings. Was his heart breaking every time he was looking at someone he couldn’t have? Of course. Was Karl the reason for countless sleepless nights? Yes. Sapnap was and still is, insanely in love. But did he even want to get together with Karl in the first place? He embraced the thought of being alone, of being heartbroken. The truth is, Sapnap was never ready to face anything else than that. He wasn’t ready for Karl feeling the same way, nor ready to see him and Quackity parting ways because of him. So when it happened, he didn’t even know what to do. When Karl has told him the real reason they broke up, he was speechless, confused, he was waiting to wake up and come back to the dull reality, where he was alone and his feelings didn’t matter. He never woke up. It’s like he is still waiting for this to happen. Maybe he’s really just waiting for the dream to be over; for the moment he’ll let go of Karl’s hand for the last time, then open his eyes. It will be another morning, where he lays in his bed alone, wishing he didn’t fall in love in the first place.

He sighs, rubbing his eyes and trying to relax. Was George right? Was that the whole point of him leaving? So he can hear it’s all because he can’t get over things? It’s all coming back to the “talk to people” point. Sapnap groans to himself, mentally tired as ever. He literally just wants to go home.

“It’s not that far, it’s not that far…” he murmurs. “You’ll be back by the evening if you move your ass right now.”

And no matter how hard he tries, his mind just keeps on coming back to George and his words.

“Maybe you should’ve started from the beginning.”

Maybe he should’ve.

“No more stops, dude,” he says to himself, as he finishes his lunch and throws the empty McDonald’s bag. “Time to go back. Let’s go home…”

Driving off, he does his best not to think about his problems, completely losing the point of his trip. The thoughts are like a boomerang, coming back stronger and stronger every time he tries to leave them behind. Sapnap focuses his eyes on the road. Leaving fields, towns, and everything behind for the next few hours, trying his best to avoid intrusive thoughts. As he arrives to the city, he almost cries tears of joy.

His room was never this cozy and perfect. Sapnap jumps onto his bed, burying his face in the pillow. He laughs softly into it and then turns to lie on his side for a moment. But before he’s able to even stand up, he falls asleep. The night brings him no dreams.  
It’s 1 PM when he wakes up. He yawns, feeling hungry as ever. A few minutes after he wakes up, as he’s eating cereal (which never tasted this good), he tries to catch up on what’s happening on Twitter, but seeing how far he has to scroll, he gives up very quickly. His phone feels nice in his hand, it’s light and easier to hold. Looking at his messages, Sapnap feels his heart stop for a few seconds.

From: Karl <3  
26.08.

11:23  
Hi! I know you’re on the road right now so you won’t read it until you come back, but I still wanted to text you so you have something to look at when you’re back! Love you! <3

18:41  
It’s me again, haha. Don’t forget to call me right away when you get back, okay? You scared me a little with that whole “I need to think” thing, you know? Not that I pressure you into it, but I would be really happy!!! I’m not sure what was that about :/ I hope you’re having fun right now! Still love you <3

27.08

08:34  
I’m having Subway for breakfast :D

08:54  
I made a disgusting sandwich, I’m not happy anymore D:

13:24  
It feels a little weird when you’re not answering ://

13:25  
I can’t wait for you to come back Sappy <3

13:26  
Gtg, but still love you <3

21:58  
The work was exhausting today you have no idea

28.08

02:12  
I had too much monster I think

02:12  
I really really miss you right now

02:13  
Oh yeah and I hope you’re sleeping well rn

02:22  
I love youuuu <3

29.08

14:28  
I guess you have a lot to think about

14:28  
Not that I’m upset or anything!

14:28  
Take your time

14:31  
I’ll wait here :))

21:13  
I just realized you’ve left your hoodie at my place like a week ago, haha

29.08

01:12  
I will sleep in it since you’re not here :P

02:28  
It’s not the same :(((

10:43  
I just woke up

10:50  
Are you home yet?

11:23  
It’s like something bad had happened

11:24  
Please be fine :(((

11:25  
I love you

Sapnap sighs, closing his eyes. He should call Karl right now, but something is blocking him from doing so. This feeling he should do something, the intrusive thoughts from before.   
Then he hears a doorbell and almost jumps in his seat.

“The hell?”

He stands up. Yawning, he opens the door and the person on the other side just stands there, smiling.

“Welcome back.” says Punz, “I saw the car outside, so I thought I’ll stop by.”

Sapnap breathes out quickly and throws himself forward, hugging his friend like there’s no tomorrow.

“I missed you too.” he hears.

“Oh my God, the physical contact…” Sapnap laughs into the white hoodie.

“Your hair is disgusting, Jesus Christ.”

“Shut the hell up.”

“You stink, man. When did you come back?”

“Last night…” he murmurs in response. “I woke up like ten minutes ago.”

“Go take a shower.” the blonde laughs, pushing Sapnap away.

He lets Punz in and goes to his wardrobe, while his friend throws himself onto the bed. Sapnap sighs, taking the white flame hoodie and black jeans. He should look at least a little better than this if he’s going to talk to Karl. He’s sure he’s not showering that long, but when he comes back, the clock says it has been something along 40 minutes.

“Dude, I’ve never showered this long…” he sighs, lying down next to Punz, head in the opposite direction. He could kick him in the face right now and vice versa. Good thing his bed is so wide.

“So,” the blonde speaks, looking into the ceiling, putting his phone away, “How was the hippie road trip?”

“I didn’t think it will work.” Sapnap sighs, “I thought it’ll be just a dumb thing to tell stories about.”

“And then it worked?”

Sapnap focuses on the ceiling too.

“And then it worked.” he agrees.

“So, what conclusions have you come to?”

“Like you don’t know.” Sapnap smirks, “Bet you know everything. And Dream has told you not to pick up from me, too.”

A confused, “Huh?” comes out of Punz’s mouth.

“The hell are you talking about? Dream hasn’t told me shit.”

“He… Wait, what?”

“And I didn’t even listen to them when they were talking about the phone calls.”

“Why?”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘why?’” he asks, knocking his head with his foot gently, in a friendly mocking manner, “I wanted to hear that from you, obviously. I haven’t been visiting your house every goddamn day checking if you’re back just to have everything spoiled.”

Sapnap chuckles, “The hell you mean ‘spoiled’? My life isn’t a TV series, man…”

“Almost. A hippie road trip sounds lame enough for a TV series. Or a whole lame-ass book.”

“True…”

They lie in silence for a moment.

“I love him, dude.” Sapnap finally says.

“Tell me something new.”

“I don’t even know how to describe it.”

Punz hums in response.

“I thought about stuff… Then Dream has pointed out the obvious, Bad has helped me figure out how to even express myself, and then… George kinda called and kicked my ass through the phone.”

“Wait, George called you?”

“Yeah.”

“Wasn’t it supposed to be-”

“Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Yeah, I don’t know how that happened.”

Punz is quiet, giving him the place to talk. So he does. Slowly going through every call he has made, Sapnap tells about the emotions he experienced and things he figured out. And he isn’t interrupted even once. The thing about Punz is that he is an excellent listener when it comes to serious topics. You can tell him everything without him cutting into your sentence, and he’ll just be there, listening to you. Sapnap knows him, and despite the blonde’s mischievous nature, he’s more than 100% sure Punz will not make fun of him for what he says. He stops when he actually gets to George’s phone call. He sighs heavily like he doesn’t want to talk.

“And what did he kick your ass over?” Punz asks, talking for the first time since last hour.

“Over not talking to Quackity…?” Sapnap responds quietly and sits up to take a sip from a water bottle.

And when the response comes, he chokes on his drink, “Oh, vouch.”

He coughs, “Vouch?!”

“Big vouch, dude,” Punz confirms as if Sapnap didn’t hear him the first time.

“I was kinda hoping that you know… You would be on my side. And tell me some shit like ‘Don’t do it, man’ since you’re pretty much like me…”

“I am like you, but with common sense.”

Sapnap sighs.  
“And you think it would make it easier for me?”

“In this particular case, yeah. You can trust me on this one.”

“I trust you, bro, you know I do…” he covers his eyes with his elbow.

“Sapnap, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t sure it’s going to help.”

“I know…” he repeats.

Seconds pass in silence as he breathes slowly.

“What am I supposed to say?” he asks, finally.

"Well…”

Silence.

“You don’t even know.” Sapnap frowns.

“It’s not my problem, so I never thought about it, ‘kay?”

“Hey Quackity, how mad are you about me stealing your boyfriend?”

“Dude…” Punz chuckles. “That’s horrible.”

“Yeah, that’s my point!”

“So think of something else. Everyone has told you he’s not upset at you anymore.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Yes, Sapnap, that’s why you’re calling him.”

“Punz, for fuck’s sake…”

“What? Ask him how he feels about you and Karl. That’s literally it.”

Sapnap groans, rubbing his eyes. His desire to call Quackity is pretty big now just so he can be over with it. It feels like an objective in a video game and without completing it, he can’t move forward. Very, very annoying objective.

“Right now…?” he asks, weakly.

“If you want to.”

“Will you stay here?”

“I mean, I can leave-”

“No, no! It’ll be easier when you’re here, I think.”

Punz sits up and smiles lightly, waiting for his friend to take an action. Sapnap stares at his screen.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“One hundred percent?”

“One thousand.”

Sapnap moves to sit next to Punz, taking a deep breath. He stares at the contact, hesitating. His insides feel like they are doing backflips and his heart is beating as he has just run a marathon.

“He’s still your friend, man.” he hears his friend next to him.

He looks at Punz with regret. Then the blonde nods his head and Sapnap just presses the button.

One, two, three, four…

“Hello?”

“Hey.” Sapnap’s voice sounds raspy.

He coughs.

“What’s up?” Quackity’s voice sounds mildly bored.

“Quackity, look…” he stops for a moment, still not sure what to say.

The gap is being filled with Quackity’s, “I heard you went on a road trip.”.

“I did, yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Uhh… Effective.”

“How so?”

Sapnap looks at Punz, looking for help. He gets a brief smile and a very quiet, “Just ask…”.

“Okay, I went to sort out some stuff in my life.”

“You went to think, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, what did you think about?”

“I thought about me and Karl.”

The weight of Punz’s hand on his shoulder makes him take a deep breath. There is a silence between them, again.

“And?”

“And I need to talk to you about it.”

“About what? Your relationship? You need advice or…?”

“No, no. I need to know how you’re feeling with this.”

Sapnap closes his eyes, preparing for the worst.

“Sapnap, dude.” Quackity lets out a laugh painted sigh, “It’s been MONTHS.”

“It changes nothing that has happened.”

“And what has happened?”

“I… I stole your boyfriend.”

“What the fuck, Sapnap? You didn’t steal shit.”

“Huh?”

“I said what I said. Dude, I… Really? That’s how you see it? I’m not twelve.”

Sapnap furrows his eyebrows.

“But…”

“Okay, listen. And listen carefully, okay? I willingly decided to back away. I could’ve fought, I could’ve done so much shit to try to keep my relationship going! But I didn’t because I figured there was no point.” he sighs, “Yeah, I regret that. But I’m not a twelve-year-old child who doesn’t understand how people and world work.”

Sapnap is quiet.

“People can’t choose who they fall for. When Karl told me he wants to break up, I didn’t fight it. I know how to let go of people, I had enough shit in my life to learn it. The only painful thing was the realization that I just wasn’t good enough for him. You were. That… happens in life.” Quackity stops for a moment, “If he decided to go, who was I to hold him back, dude? I guess most people would fight, after all. But I know Karl, and he wouldn’t do any of that if he wasn’t sure. He must’ve thought about it for a long time. He didn’t want to hurt me, you, or himself. I trust Karl and his judgment. And I wouldn’t like to be held in a relationship I’m not happy in either.”

“I never wanted to step in between you two.” he manages to say, finally. “I’ve never, ever wanted you two to fall apart because of me…”

“Yeah, that’s the worst part, man. You weren’t even trying, and you won.”

The moment Quackity’s voice breaks, something inside Sapnap breaks too.

“Dude…”

“But it doesn’t fucking matter! Like I said, I could’ve done everything to stop any of that from happening! And I didn’t. I trusted Karl and I’ve put his happiness over mine. It was my own decision and my own mistake. But I like to think I’m over it now. And you should be too.”

“You’re way more mature than I am, aren’t you…?” he sighs in response.

“I just want you both to be happy, okay? Don’t think too much about it. You’re still my friend, even though sometimes I have an urge to murder you, not gonna lie.”

“If I were in your place, I would’ve just done it by now.”

Quackity chuckles and then sighs.

“I went to think and figure things out. I think I’m a lot closer to facing reality now.” Sapnap says.

“Just fix things with him, dude. That’s all I want. He left me, that’s fine. But don’t you dare waste your chance with him alright? He’s the best that could’ve ever happen to us. Don’t pull a   
goddamn Quackity on him.”

“I know. I won’t, I promise!”

“Then go, what are you waiting for?!”

“Nothing, nothing. I’ll hang up,” he says, but hesitates. “I’m still sorry.”

“Sapnap, are you deaf?”

“No, no. I just… What happened doesn’t sit right with me.”

“Too bad. Embrace the reality you live in. Leave this behind, shit happened, we’re over it. Repeat after me.”

“Huh?”

“Leave this behind.”

“Leave this behind…”

“Shit happened.”

“Shit happened…”

“We’re over it.”

“We’re over it.”

“See? Not that hard. Hang up and move on, Sapnap.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Bye, man. Good luck.”

“Yeah… Bye.”

The call ends, and Sapnap immediately runs his fingers through his hair. He feels like he could cry, but his eyes remain dry. Punz looks at him with a comforting smile on his face and pats him on the shoulder, then they both just stay quiet for a solid few minutes.

“You were right. As always.” Sapnap says.

“Yeah! Are you feeling better?”

“He’s not upset at me, Punz. He’s over it. He wants me to happy.”

“Yeah, that’s what we’ve been saying this whole time.” Punz removes his hand from the friend’s shoulder. “What are you going to do now?”

Sapnap lies down on the bed again and takes a deep breath.

“I’ll meet up with Karl tomorrow. Don’t tell anyone I’m back.”

“Dude, come on. You know what you have to say, why the hell are you stalling?”

“Punz, I will pay you fifteen dollars to shut up.”

“Alright, deal.” the blonde drops the topic right away.

They hang out for the rest of the day, and Punz ends up leaving at 11 PM. Sapnap goes to bed at 1 AM and then gets brutally woken up by a doorbell. Somebody is spamming the button, the sounds cutting off and repeating like a badly edited loop. The sound outside points it’s raining really hard. He slowly gets out of his bed, coming to the front door. He looks through the peephole, to make sure it’s not somebody coming in to murder him.

In the light of his outside lamp, he sees Karl, all wet, with a backpack on one of his shoulders. He opens up immediately and the scent of rain hits his nose.

“You were supposed to call me when you get back...”


	7. it takes me back to you

“You were supposed to call me when you get back…”

Sapnap stares at him for a moment, freezing in place. The amount of blame that has been thrown at him is horribly big. Karl’s eyes are tired, mad, and disappointed, which means he has messed up again. He was supposed to act like a better boyfriend, right?

“I was going to…”

“Okay, sorry, you must be tired…”, Karl pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing.

“What are you doing here?” Sapnap asks, letting him in. “It’s, what, like 3 AM?”

“Yeah, I guess I shouldn’t be here… But I couldn’t sleep, so I went to get food, not because I was hungry, just because I felt like I should get food, and then I decided to drive through your neighborhood because I missed you! And then I saw your car and got mad, had to park like so far away because why would you have more space outside your own house, and I had to walk in the rain!”

Sapnap bites his lip, feeling like an idiot. Not only did he give Punz fifteen dollars for nothing, but most importantly, the first thing he did after coming back was making his boyfriend upset. The guilt clenches his guts as Karl takes a deep breath and looks at him sheepishly, probably scared of what he’s about to say. He is waiting for the results of his whole hippie road trip. It’s time to tell him everything he has learned.

“Come, you’re all wet,” Sapnap says, dragging him to the bathroom.

“Yeah, it’s cold here, you know?”

He opens a cupboard and hands him a clean towel. As a few drops drip from Karl’s hair strands, he feels like the worst person in the world. His partner starts to dry his hair, while Sapnap leans on the washing machine, watching him. The wet clothes look like they weigh a whole ton, dragging his body down.

“I’ll get you some clothes to change into, okay?”

“Yes, please… It’s getting cold,” he murmurs in response, looking into the mirror as he continues.

He zooms through the room. Opening his wardrobe, Sapnap throws half of the clothes on the floor to find the light blue panda hoodie. After a while, he holds the clothing in his hands, furrows his eyebrows, and smells it to make sure it doesn’t smell like sweat or something worse (and it actually doesn’t!). He thanks himself for learning how to throw dirty clothes into the basket and not on the bed or back into his wardrobe and tries to find his boyfriend a pair of pants that would fit him and ends up with gray sweatpants. Sapnap goes back into the bathroom and places clothes on the washing machine.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Karl looks at the clothes, and his look softens on the sight of the hoodie. Some things never change.

“Yeah, I am.” he smiles.

“I’ll go make my bed or something, you change,” Sapnap says, heading towards the door.

“Okay.”

He pulls the sheet over the entire bed, trying to make it look clean; straightens the covers, and adjusts the pillows, waiting for Karl to come out. Time passes, Sapnap feels nervous, his hands shaking a little and his stomach breakdancing. Waiting is longer than expected and after a few minutes, he gets concerned.

Knocking on the door, he asks, “Karl, you okay there?”

He gets something in response, but he’s not sure what he was supposed to hear. Every possible scenario flashing through his head, Sapnap slowly opens the door, just to see Karl with his clothes on, just standing by the sink, towel over his head. It gets him worried, so worried his heart stops for a brief moment.

“Hey…”

Karl doesn’t respond, instead, he leans towards the sink and splashes water into his face. Then he takes a deep breath and wipes his face with an oversized sleeve. Not looking into his eyes, he opens his mouth.

“Sapnap…?” he mumbles, “Are we done?“

His eyes widen on the question, and another wave of fear flows through his body. Something inside him clenches when Karl’s voice breaks, and he is ready to do anything to get him out of this horrible state.

“What? No, why would you- What?” his voice is concerned and a lot more frightened than he thought it would be.

“You… Sapnap, you left for a week saying “you need to think”, then you got back and didn’t tell me anything! You didn’t smile when you saw me, nothing! Have you even seen my messages?”

“I have!”

“Then why didn’t you respond to any of them?!”

Sapnap takes a deep breath.

“Karl, can you please look at me?” he asks, stepping a few steps closer.

He hears a sniffle from under the towel. And it makes him miserable because he knows Karl is crying, and he knows goddamn well he, himself, is the reason for it.

“I promise I’m not going anywhere. Just let me explain this to you…” Sapnap murmurs.

“Yes, please! Because I’ve been dying of fear this whole week! What have I done wrong that you had to take this long of a break?!”

“The thing is, you’ve done nothing wrong! The person doing shit was me, and I had to think about myself. So please, give me a moment and I’ll tell you what I figured out, okay?”

Karl turns to face him, throwing the towel off his head. Closing his eyes, he sighs heavily, hiding his face into the sleeves over his hands.

“I can’t take the thought of losing you, okay?” he says once he raises his head.

Maybe it’s those words, maybe it’s his puffy, red eyes or just the whole situation, the fact he came through the pouring rain just to talk to him, but Sapnap feels like he’s a step away from breaking down himself.

“I promise I’m not going anywhere, Karl. You won’t lose me any time soon, or ever.”

Those are strong words and he knows it. But he has never been more honest. Karl looks at him for a moment, then sniffles again and runs at him, throwing his arms around Sapnap’s neck, holding onto him so close, he feels Karl’s body shaking along with fast, nervous breaths near his ear. It’s more than enough to put him into a desperate state of defensive behavior. He has never hugged Karl closer than this, Sapnap can swear on his life that it’s the strongest his arms have ever wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist.

He hears a shaky whisper in his ear, “Are you sure?”. 

“More than sure. I won’t leave you.”

“It felt like an eternity, you know? I really thought you’re not coming back. You were gone for so long…”

“I know, I know… I’m sorry,” he responds, caressing Karl’s back as he speaks.

He has a weird sense of déjà vu, but other emotions quickly overthrow it. For some time it’s only them, desperately holding onto each other in the middle of Sapnap’s bathroom. Their shared warmth and intimacy is everything they need. Then he gets an idea, an idea that seems so perfect that it’s unbelievable. “It’s actually a very adorable and caring gesture. It makes people feel safe and loved, you know, assures them that you care!“, he remembers.

“Hey, Karl…”

Karl moves his head and presses their foreheads together. He takes a deep breath before responding.

“Yeah?”

Sapnap knew he would do this, he always does it that way. He takes a moment and moves his head away, quickly getting on his tippy toes to reach Karl’s forehead. The kiss he presses there, through the strands of brown hair, is the most tender and sweet kiss known to both of them. It leaves his boyfriend’s face red for another reason, way more pleasant than fear or sadness, and sends this special kind of goosebumps down his spine. And when Sapnap moves away, the scent of rain escaping his nostrils, he just looks at him as all the blood rushes into his cheeks, and he can see it in those brown eyes; a reminder that they are both insanely and helplessly in love with each other. This assurance of mutual feeling makes him even more determined to keep going.

“I love you. And it’s time I tell you all about it, okay?” he asks, locking their eyes together.

Karl blinks a few times, still kinda hypnotized by the gesture.

“I- Yeah, okay…” he mumbles in response.

They sit on the bed, facing each other. Sapnap takes his time to think about everything one more time, and then just flies, invisible wings catching the wind of his feelings. The wind that has heard his words first.

“I’ve spent this week trying to understand myself. I’ve asked questions, I never thought I had to ask, and realized things that seem way too obvious to realize in the first place, and I’ve learned new ways of telling you everything I feel. True, I took a lot of help from others, but someone has told me that love is about learning and not about knowing, you know?” he takes another breath. “I think there are things to learn, like the fact that this hoodie I gave you is your favorite one. And there’s also stuff you just know, and that is that I’m insanely scared of losing you.”

His words fly fast, like always when he’s nervous. Karl opens his mouth to say something but is stopped when Sapnap laces their fingers together.

He looks at the panda on the hoodie as he continues, “I know I’ve been a jerk to your friends and to others in general, and really, I felt, and still feel, horrible about it. Then somebody has told me it’s not because I am a bad person, but because I’m unsure about myself. Insecure as heck, to be honest! Because, deep down, I know you could do so much better, and I am just scared of you leaving me behind. Quackity has told me he backed away willingly, and he’s happy for us, and that it’s a-okay for me to love you, but I wouldn’t be able to do it. If I were him, I probably wouldn’t be able to take it. I can’t even think of it without my hands shaking! It’s because you’re so important to me.”

“You… You’ve spoken to Quackity?”

“I have. I needed it to realize it’s fine for me to love you. Do you hear how ridiculous it is? To be honest, I wasn’t even ready to be with you in the first place, I couldn’t embrace the thought of you liking me back. I was so ready for failure that I never thought about winning, and then it happened and I got lost. But I want to believe we have a chance. Because we can learn from each other.”

He takes another breath, blinking a few times, his heart pumping like crazy.

With fresh energy, he continues, “I was nervous to say all of this, because I know there are things I still don’t understand. But I know that you, Karl, are the most perfect person alive. You’re funny, you’re adorable, beautiful, talented, and you are everything I could’ve ever wanted. And I thought about all the little things you do, and how shit my life would be without you, and it’s just amazing that you want to be with someone like me. Because I’m so immature and I push my luck all the time, but I’m trying my best to grow up already. You bring out the best in me and just…”

“Sapnap…” Karl smiles, shaking his head, swaying their connected hands to the sides, “Don’t… Don’t be silly. There’s nobody better than you in this world. I love you for who you are, and while we argue, we make all those mistakes, I don’t expect you to be perfect. I’m not perfect either, and you know it. But yeah, we can learn. We can figure it out together.” 

His words are so soft, they feel honest and sweet, and Sapnap closes his eyes to comprehend them. Of course, he doesn’t have to be perfect. But he can be better because love is about learning. When he opens them again, he has the flower hill in his mind and hears those words that made him so happy back then.

“Dream has told me something…” he whispers.

“Huh?”

“I heard from him that you said…” he feels himself blushing, “You said I’m the best thing that has ever happened to you. And that you wouldn’t trade me for anything.”

Karl chuckles, red as ever.

“Do you want me to say it directly to you?”

He raises his eyes and looks at his boyfriend. He can’t bring himself to answer, so he just nods his head.

“Okay, okay…” Karl takes a deep breath, smiling and tightening the grip their hands share.

Sapnap’s face gets redder and redder and his heart beats faster as Karl speaks, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I would never, ever, trade you for anything.”

He closes his eyes on the words, grinning like an idiot.

“And you called Quackity. That’s… unexpected. I thought we went separate ways on good terms. If it didn’t sit right with you, you could’ve told me. He’s not your rival, in any way. But I guess you know it now?”

“I know, I know… But really I couldn’t. I thought I’m over it, but now I see it was the biggest thing holding me back.”

“So what holds you back now?”

Sapnap looks at their hands; at the laced fingers and the way Karl’s hands are just a bit smaller than his own sends a wave of heat into his heart.

“Nothing.” he breathes out.

He looks at Karl again. A second passes, and he remembers about the little gift hidden between the pages of his notebook.

“Wait, somebody compared you to a wildflower. So I have something for you.”

Sapnap jumps off the bed, leaving Karl with a confused stare, almost running to his bag. Digging through his things, he finally finds the notebook, busts it open, and gently takes the flower. He sits down on the bed again and slowly hands it to his boyfriend like it’s the most important thing in the world.

“Here... It’s a white anemone. I found it near a forest when I was out.”

“A white anemone, huh?” Karl furrows his brows, smiling lightly. “Why that one?”

“It’s a symbol of taking chances. And I know we have one…”

He blinks a few times, looking at the plant.

“That’s so sweet...” Karl laughs, taking the dried flower to spin it around in his fingers. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

“I… I don’t know. If I remember anything else, I will tell you right away.”

“Sure.”

“And I’m sorry for everything I’ve done that has hurt you.”

“Shh, stop.” Karl smiles and leans forward, face close to Sapnap’s, so close their noses bump, “It doesn’t matter. We’re here now. And don’t rush remembering things from the trip either, okay? You- No, we have all the time in the world!”

Sapnap feels like he has heard it somewhere already, but can’t quite catch where. The sense of déjà vu hits him again. He brushes it off, and presses a kiss to Karl’s cheek, smiling against his skin.

“Do you want to cuddle now? Like for real?”

Karl chuckles in response, “I feel offended that you asked this question instead of doing it.”

But still, instead, Sapnap stands up, and Karl lays the flower on the windowsill, following him with his eyes.

“What are you doing?” he asks, seeing Sapnap scrolling through his phone, standing next to the speakers.

“I’m making my dream come true,” he responds, turning the switches so the music won’t hit too loud.

“What kind of dream?”

“A peaceful and beautiful one.”

Karl observes as his boyfriend lays the phone down and the cutest smile blooms on his lips when the song starts.

“You’ve put High School Musical on your Spotify? No way.”

“No, no. It’s the playlist you made for me, I just recreated it there like months ago.”

“And you didn’t even tell me. Rude, Sapnap.”

“Shhh, don’t ruin this.”

“I’m not-”

“Shhhhhhhhh!”

“Okay, okay, Jesus…” he giggles. “Are you ready?”

“Nope, not yet. There’s one more thing.”

Sapnap has never, ever needed the remote for his lights so badly. He starts searching for it, getting frustrated and embarrassed, opening every drawer existing in his room, even the ones he has never opened in his life. But in his defense, he wasn’t prepared for this after all, since he was supposed to see Karl the next day.

“And now, what are you doing?”

“I am… looking for something, Karl…” he responds, picking up the cactus pot and looking under it.

“And what is it?”

“My remote. The lights remote.”

“You want to change the light’s color? It’s cool like that.”

“Karl, that’s not the point.” he says, climbing onto his desk to look at the upper shelves, “My pretty little dream is to cuddle with you with PINK lights on, I can’t just drop it like that.”

He gets a high-pitched giggle in response, which sends a fat wave of blush to his face.

“Hey, Sap, watch this.”

Sapnap turns his head and stares in awe as Karl jumps off the bed, sticks his hand between the mattress and the bedstead, getting the remote out.

“Why… Why was it there…?!” he whines, jumping down from the desk.

Karl laughs, throwing him the remote, “You did it two weeks ago, dummy. I completely obliterated you during our pillow fight, and you fell on the remote with your fat butt, so you tucked it there, cursing at it. You said it won’t annoy you there.”

Oh yeah, he did that.

“Thanks, but don’t call my butt fat,” Sapnap responds, clicking the button.

“Sorry, sorry…” he apologizes, still giggling like a child.

And as the lights switch their color from light blue to pink, and the song changes, he feels like it’s the moment he was waiting for his entire life. Karl lies down on his side, looking at him, waiting.

“Come and hug me, right now,” he commands, a shade of giggling still in his voice.

“You’re so demanding…” Sapnap jokes, lying down to face Karl.

Before anything happens, they look at each other for a long time, enjoying the pink highlights in their eyes, the gentle glow resting on their faces, painting their hair and hiding their blushing cheeks. Karl reaches his hand to Sapnap’s hair, brushing away a lost, black strand away from his face. His smile is so caring and loving, and Sapnap feels so lucky to have him by his side again. And then the voice in his head whispers, “Every kiss is different” and he gets so soft he barely controls his movement. No thoughts in his head, Sapnap focuses on their eye contact, and reaches for Karl’s hand, the one resting on his chest, fingers curled. He smiles at him, as he raises it by the wrist, towards his face. While pressing a kiss to his palm, right above the wrist, he closes his eyes.

When he opens them again, meeting his lover’s flustered stare, he lets out a soft, “Hi…”

“H-Hi!” Karl squeaks out, voice breaking.

“Are you good?”

In response, he dives, hiding his face in Sapnap’s chest, letting out a questionable noise. His other arm wraps around his waist, and he just hides there, giggling. After a while, Sapnap hears a muffled voice, but can’t quite catch what it says.

“Come again?”

Karl raises his head slowly, grinning, “I have no idea what you’re doing, but please continue.”

Sapnap chuckles, “Then come here, a little higher.”

His partner obeys, laying his head near Sapnap’s neck, partly on his arm. Karl leans his forehead on his chest, letting out another muffled giggle, embrace tightening in the process. It comes naturally to Sapnap when he bends his hand, and slowly runs his fingers through Karl’s hair, catching the brown strands, toying with them lovingly. The scent of rain is still there, dancing in the air. Even though it’s not their first time cuddling, it sure feels like it. It’s fresh, oddly new, and fantastic.  
Sapnap feels like the happiest person in the world. Because it’s finally them, just being with each other, cuddling in his room, pink light illuminating them gently. And they love each other, and he knows everything is going to be okay.

Every place he has visited, every talk he has had with his friends, every step he has taken. The feelings, the doubts, and all the words he has written. Everything takes him back to Karl, and he loves it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you!  
> like i said, i did my best here  
> it's a second take to thank you for reading because the previous one was a little awkward, since i was really nervous posting it  
> it's actually my first work of this kind in english so i'm amazed by the support i received already, it's certainly not my last work here  
> again, whoever you are, dear reader,  
> thank you so much for giving my work your attention and reading the whole thing! it means a lot to me <3  
> 


End file.
